Yesterday another tragedy occurred in Oklahoma. A child welfare worker who was on administrative leave while being investigated for his actions in a high profile death case that occurred earlier this summer was found dead by a family friend, after having committed suicide. My heart goes out for him and his family, because I can sympathize with the mind set he was in that took him to making that decision. I am not condoning it, but can understand how it came to pass. Nor, am I denying the importance of a child death, but the public needs to understand that those workers did not kill a child, a parent killed that child. Until they issue a crystal ball with the employee ID and clipboard, workers will not have a sure-fire way of determining a parent is truly dangerous. The way the laws are written, the parents are favoured and are supposed to be the first choice when it comes to placement.
Every day child welfare workers have to make decisions that the average person would be unable or unwilling to make. Most of the child welfare workers I have known have been very caring and competent. The incompetent are in the minority. However, once the public and media finish tormenting the remaining ones, I can't say that will be the case. Many of the good ones have departed as soon as they could, or left long before they could retire. What is expected out of a child welfare nun, excuse me, worker - is unrealistic. Most people refuse to serve their state in this manner, or to become foster parents. I have done both and it is a demanding, yet often fulfilling vocation, although I don't know that I can endorse it in today's climate of crucifying before proven guilty mentality.
I was unable to watch the news yesterday and just happened to hear about this by reading a Facebook posting, so I went online to read my news at the Okla. City News Station websites. I was appalled at the numerous cruel comments that the general public had written when the child death occurred. There is probably no telling what people walked up to him and actually said. We have lost our civility and manners as a nation. We need to appreciate people for what they can contribute to society and quit second guessing what we don't understand. I can only hope DHS will rethink how they handle these situations from their side, so no one else needs to feel like suicide is an option.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
THE IMPORTANCE OF ATTACHMENT AND BONDING
The most effective way for a baby to develop a healthy attachment to one primary person occurs during the seemingly simple process of feeding the baby. In order for appropriate healthy attachment and bonding to occur, babies need 4 things: 1. warm milk, 2. rocking motions during the feeding, 3. skin to skin touch (rub their little arms and legs during feedings, and most critical, 4. making eye to eye contact with the baby during feedings. In addition, most of the feedings really need to be done by one main person. This is the person their primary attachment is going to be connected to. Attachment and bonding is important because it is the foundation that must be laid in order for a child to develop a conscience, have empathy for others, and want to please their primary caregiver, usually the mother.
Feedings need to be done with the parent paying attention to the baby, talking to them, singing, and interacting. When the parent is distracted by talking to other companions, or doing other activities, such as texting - they are not engaged in the 4 things listed above. Neither should a bottle be propped up so the parent can go do other activities. Parents that consistently rely on others to do the feedings, or do things like prop up a bottle are laying the groundwork for a compromised attachment.
Years ago I was asked to go talk to a very nice lady that was constantly having to take care of a grandbaby that was dropped off for days at a time. She was a very loving grandmother, but quite elderly with major health concerns. There were concerns she was too unhealthy to care for the baby so much. My major concern was that the baby was going to bond to someone that wasn't going to be around for the long haul. We had our little talk and she said she could see where I was coming from. Within a year or two, she had died unexpectedly. I always wondered how things turned out for that family and that child after losing her grandmother, who had been her primary caregiver.
I am not saying no one should ever help a mother feed her baby or change the diaper. We all need a little help, especially young mothers. Attachment and bonding occurs over a period of time with hundreds, if not thousands, of little moments when diapers are changed when they should be, feedings occur when the baby is hungry, need after need is met. Through these needs being met, the child eventually internalizes, "I am worthy, I am important, I am loveable, I want to do right for these people who have loved and done for me." Therefore the conscience is formed, as the child learns to care for others, as they were once cared for.
Feedings need to be done with the parent paying attention to the baby, talking to them, singing, and interacting. When the parent is distracted by talking to other companions, or doing other activities, such as texting - they are not engaged in the 4 things listed above. Neither should a bottle be propped up so the parent can go do other activities. Parents that consistently rely on others to do the feedings, or do things like prop up a bottle are laying the groundwork for a compromised attachment.
Years ago I was asked to go talk to a very nice lady that was constantly having to take care of a grandbaby that was dropped off for days at a time. She was a very loving grandmother, but quite elderly with major health concerns. There were concerns she was too unhealthy to care for the baby so much. My major concern was that the baby was going to bond to someone that wasn't going to be around for the long haul. We had our little talk and she said she could see where I was coming from. Within a year or two, she had died unexpectedly. I always wondered how things turned out for that family and that child after losing her grandmother, who had been her primary caregiver.
I am not saying no one should ever help a mother feed her baby or change the diaper. We all need a little help, especially young mothers. Attachment and bonding occurs over a period of time with hundreds, if not thousands, of little moments when diapers are changed when they should be, feedings occur when the baby is hungry, need after need is met. Through these needs being met, the child eventually internalizes, "I am worthy, I am important, I am loveable, I want to do right for these people who have loved and done for me." Therefore the conscience is formed, as the child learns to care for others, as they were once cared for.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
The Kid In My Heart
Since I was 5, I've known I was the same inside...the strong willed part that responds to the world,the kid in my heart. Recently while doing my usual random reading on the web I ran across a long range study that had looked at 1st graders' 6 year old personalities and then studied them again years later and whoa Nelly...decided that most people's personalities are set by age 6. My beliefs have been confirmed! All children deserve childhoods that let them develop the kid in their heart.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Intentional Parenting
"How will our children know who they are if they don't know where they come from?" Ma Joad, from The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck.
Years ago when Barbara Bush was the First Lady, she was asked to present a college commencement address at one of the East coast universities. There was quite an outcry from the students over her being chosen instead of some female success story they considered more worthy. The students protested that her contributions were not significant enough to merit being their graduation speaker. But, I like to think that she made them think with her message that day. She told them they would never regret not having spent more time at their job or office, but that they would realize their most important work would be at home..."The future of this country depends not on what happens in the White House, but on what happens inside your house." If only that would become every family's motto.
My dream for America is that the family will survive when each of our households realizes the importance of what happens inside our own homes. My dream is that we will continue to fight the battles to win our children back from whatever is distracting them from the path they need to be on for their life's journey. I have fear in my heart for the children growing up in chaotic homes without direction or nurturing. No one has ever said there will be any guarantees that life is easy, parenting easy, or surviving easy. At times I've thought it would have been good to have instructions, although, I suspect some would refuse to read or follow them. Also, what works for one, won't work with another. Each of us has to find our own style and make our own journey. Don't forget to have fun along the way, cook something good to eat for your someone's, and encourage your children to have dreams.
Years ago when Barbara Bush was the First Lady, she was asked to present a college commencement address at one of the East coast universities. There was quite an outcry from the students over her being chosen instead of some female success story they considered more worthy. The students protested that her contributions were not significant enough to merit being their graduation speaker. But, I like to think that she made them think with her message that day. She told them they would never regret not having spent more time at their job or office, but that they would realize their most important work would be at home..."The future of this country depends not on what happens in the White House, but on what happens inside your house." If only that would become every family's motto.
My dream for America is that the family will survive when each of our households realizes the importance of what happens inside our own homes. My dream is that we will continue to fight the battles to win our children back from whatever is distracting them from the path they need to be on for their life's journey. I have fear in my heart for the children growing up in chaotic homes without direction or nurturing. No one has ever said there will be any guarantees that life is easy, parenting easy, or surviving easy. At times I've thought it would have been good to have instructions, although, I suspect some would refuse to read or follow them. Also, what works for one, won't work with another. Each of us has to find our own style and make our own journey. Don't forget to have fun along the way, cook something good to eat for your someone's, and encourage your children to have dreams.
Don't Let The Paper-clips Trip You
I am remembering an old letter in Dear Abby that told a sad story. A man wrote that he was dying of cancer and he was feeling a loss from the lost moments between his wife and him. She was so wrapped up in the cleaning, cooking, and taking care of the children that she failed to get involved in a genuine relationship with her family. She thought no one else could clean like she could and would not allow her husband to even change a diaper, or for him to hire household help to free her up to join the family on outings. He was writing his letter as an eye opener to others who might be making the same mistake. This makes me think of a time years ago when one of my boys was little and we were getting ready to have a birthday party for him. I was rushing around trying to get all the details taken care of when one of my old habits popped up. I was rushing through a parking lot and saw a paper-clip on the pavement. My inner Girl Scout/don't leave trash laying around self was getting ready to bend down and pick it up, when I literally stopped myself. I told myself I had a birthday to get to and didn't need to be worrying about saving used paper-clips on parking lot pavements and went on my way. From time to time we have to rethink our priorities and make sure we aren't cheating ourselves out of our real life.
Toy Story 3 and The Importance of Play
Shortly after the debut of Toy Story 3, I took my grandsons for a night out at the movies. I had read it was considered one of the best movies of the year. I will go out on a limb and say that over time, I think it will be considered one of the outstanding children's movies of all times. I decided the primary reason I was so impressed with Toy Story 3 is because that it celebrates a concept that I always promoted as a child development person: "Play is a child's work."
Many people do not realize that play is how children learn, and therefore they have many missed opportunities. While my children were growing up, I kept a bucket of small toys and a bag of books in the mini-van so whenever we got stuck somewhere unexpectedly, we had something to do. They didn't have to act like little monsters in the lobby of wherever our appointment was, because I came prepared and they were entertained. During the years I was a social worker, my car was a popular place with small children because they knew I was going to have fun things to distract them. When my children were little, I set up parts of the house in little learning centers and we did other things that promoted learning through play. I also taught my children to use scissors, pencils, and crayons while they were still in the high chair where I could safely track where the scissors and crayons were. I made tons of homemade play dough. Learning how to use little fingers and developing fine motor skills is as important as the large motor skills and all are connected to better brain development. We had stories every night, usually multiple stories, if I wasn't too tired. I can remember a few times being so sleepy after a very long day that during the story, the boys would wake me up as I fell asleep reading and tell me I was saying funny words. Sometimes I would ask their daddy to read the bedtime stories because I was too tired, but the boys didn't like Mike to read because they said, "he didn't know all the voices". I believe these are some of the things that set the stage for their high grades in school, and for two of them - artistic skills. Our oldest drew a large recognizable dinosaur before the age of 3, our middle son drew numerous sharks, Ninja Turtles, and other boy stuff every time he could find paper and crayon.
It was in this spirit, that the week of the Toy Story movie experience, we also had a field trip to acquire sand for the water table I had acquired in the early days of being a grandmother. The boys found the addition of sand to be absolutely thrilling. They were out on my patio, so no harm was done. What can I say, we are easily entertained. We like Styrofoam packing materials, old boxes, and blanket tents too.
There are many other things that were moving about Toy Story 3, but I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't yet seen it. There is a philosophy of life regarding the future of our old toys. There is a message for day care providers to think about as well. Take the time to watch Toy Story 3, you may just learn something about yourself and your outlook on life. But, if you have a child moving out to go to college, you may need to save the DVD until you emotionally handle watching it. I had more than one person tell me they had to resist sobbing in the movie when it was at the theater, it was more emotionally touching than people realized it would be. It is the perfect movie for children of all ages, there is something for everyone. The morning after we went to see the movie, my youngest little grandson started down the stairs and excitedly yelled out before he could get downstairs to me, "Grandma, Toy Story 3 was awesome." I concur he was right.
Many people do not realize that play is how children learn, and therefore they have many missed opportunities. While my children were growing up, I kept a bucket of small toys and a bag of books in the mini-van so whenever we got stuck somewhere unexpectedly, we had something to do. They didn't have to act like little monsters in the lobby of wherever our appointment was, because I came prepared and they were entertained. During the years I was a social worker, my car was a popular place with small children because they knew I was going to have fun things to distract them. When my children were little, I set up parts of the house in little learning centers and we did other things that promoted learning through play. I also taught my children to use scissors, pencils, and crayons while they were still in the high chair where I could safely track where the scissors and crayons were. I made tons of homemade play dough. Learning how to use little fingers and developing fine motor skills is as important as the large motor skills and all are connected to better brain development. We had stories every night, usually multiple stories, if I wasn't too tired. I can remember a few times being so sleepy after a very long day that during the story, the boys would wake me up as I fell asleep reading and tell me I was saying funny words. Sometimes I would ask their daddy to read the bedtime stories because I was too tired, but the boys didn't like Mike to read because they said, "he didn't know all the voices". I believe these are some of the things that set the stage for their high grades in school, and for two of them - artistic skills. Our oldest drew a large recognizable dinosaur before the age of 3, our middle son drew numerous sharks, Ninja Turtles, and other boy stuff every time he could find paper and crayon.
It was in this spirit, that the week of the Toy Story movie experience, we also had a field trip to acquire sand for the water table I had acquired in the early days of being a grandmother. The boys found the addition of sand to be absolutely thrilling. They were out on my patio, so no harm was done. What can I say, we are easily entertained. We like Styrofoam packing materials, old boxes, and blanket tents too.
There are many other things that were moving about Toy Story 3, but I don't want to spoil the movie for anyone who hasn't yet seen it. There is a philosophy of life regarding the future of our old toys. There is a message for day care providers to think about as well. Take the time to watch Toy Story 3, you may just learn something about yourself and your outlook on life. But, if you have a child moving out to go to college, you may need to save the DVD until you emotionally handle watching it. I had more than one person tell me they had to resist sobbing in the movie when it was at the theater, it was more emotionally touching than people realized it would be. It is the perfect movie for children of all ages, there is something for everyone. The morning after we went to see the movie, my youngest little grandson started down the stairs and excitedly yelled out before he could get downstairs to me, "Grandma, Toy Story 3 was awesome." I concur he was right.
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